go ahead, be sarcastic

this is a jacket i turned into a dress by not wearing pants

2008-02-28T21:05:00.003-05:00

If you've never seen the magical 1980s Brenda Dickson video where the soap opera star guides you through her home -- please, stop being a jerk and watch it.

And now, enjoy the parody videos. They're awesome, right down to the scratchy, VHS-quality recording and pitchy synthesizers.

best fight sequence in the history of the universe

2008-02-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

when you care enough to send the best

2007-12-16T16:55:00.000-05:00

Best E-card site in the world.

Samples of the brilliance:

dad, should I poke rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?

2007-11-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

Please find a seat. Maybe get yourself some smelling salts, too.

This article explains how the old-time Sesame Street (primarily the ones from the 1970s) are being re-released onto DVD (yay!), but with a warning label. That's right. Apparently the old Sesame Streets are dangerous for new millenium children. The warning: "These early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child."

WHAT.

The producers of Sesame Street cite this example:

"Alistair Cookie and the parody 'Monsterpiece Theater.' [I totally remember this!] Alistair Cookie, played by Cookie Monster, used to appear with a pipe, which he later gobbled. According to [the producer], 'That modeled the wrong behavior' — smoking, eating pipes — 'so we reshot those scenes without the pipe, and then we dropped the parody altogether.'”

Jerks!

Sesame Street was gritty, unsanitized, took place in an inner-city neighborhood, and showcased diversity. I absolutely loved it. It never traumatized me or otherwise incited seizures, like so many cartoons that followed it. If it can be faulted for anything, it should be in its glowing, hippie-like hopefulness. But not even then -- because what else should we teach our children but to have hope?

If this is wrong:

Then I don't want it to be right.

By the way, after many, many years, I finally found my favorite Sesame Street clip on YouTube. Rejoice!

awesome

2007-10-29T15:08:00.000-04:00

One of these years, I'm going as Malificent.

Happy Halloween!

how do men feed babies again?

2007-09-19T12:16:00.000-04:00

i like the hiphopopotamus best

2007-08-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

don't panic

2007-06-24T19:58:00.000-04:00

Me: You need to get a job, Prairie Dog.

Prairie Dog's response: (click on picture below)

happy cuatro de mayo

2007-05-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

There is nothing creepier than mashing the beloved Muppets with Quentin Tarantino. Which is why I'm compelled to show this to you. What kind of job would I be doing if I didn't? If you answered: "Not a very good one!", you're correct.

Also, I present to you, James Earl Jones, as played by the young thespian, Darth Vader. This seemed really funny last night, but I haven't re-watched it in the light of day, with all my faculties intact. There is some offensive language.

why was i not informed of this before?

2007-04-11T20:24:00.000-04:00

Cuteness Overload.

Because even sarcastic people need a dose of sweet, genuine goodness sometimes.

No, that's not true. I'm being sarcasmic. To tone down the feel-good squishiness of this post, I made sure that the title of this post ended in a preposition. Like nails on a chalkboard! You're welcome.

yep, here's your problem. someone set this thing to 'evil'

2007-03-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

I've been knitting now for about two years. I have not really gotten better during this time - I still make mistakes. I still get frustrated. I still create hideous projects that can only be described as yarn frankensteins or WTF projects.

Meet Elsa the Elephant:

Elsa is the first project in which the pains of my labor have produced an actual monster. You think I'm kidding. This little elephant has a mind of her own. To wit:

As soon as her legs were sewn on, Elsa went straight for the liquor cabinet. Don't let the smile fool you - she was an angry drunk.

Elsa soon went all "Hollywood" and started hanging out with the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. A lot of coke went up that trunk.

As fast as you could say, "no panties," and "go bald," Elsa came dangerously close to hitting rock bottom. So, off to rehab she went.

Because Elsa is of an obsessive-compulsive nature, she simply replaced drugs with the occult. She liked to think of it as "exploring her options," but we were scared for our lives. Thank god she knew nothing about Scientology. Xenu help us all.

When religion didn't help, Elsa, feeling an emptiness deep inside, decided to get rid of her loneliness by making friends.

This resulted in a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Elsa now spends her time researching others of her kind on the internet. She thinks this is charitable; we call this "porn."

Elsa is about to be shipped off to a boot camp run by a two-year-old. There she will be thrown, prodded, dressed in pink dresses, forced to kiss Barbies, dipped in dirt and then in water, and then subsequently dirt again, and hugged and loved every day. Wish her luck.

so what should i put on my bagel today?

2007-02-14T10:50:00.000-05:00

Where have I been? Never you mind, you nosy person. I've been busy with perfectly legitimate to-dos.

Speaking of legitimate, what if I told you that there exists a 1985 version of Alice in Wonderland, starring all sorts of big-name stars? Such as John Stamos? And Red Buttons? No, really! And Ringo Starr as the Mock Turtle, Carol Channing as the White-Queen-cum-sheep, and Sammy Davis, Jr. as the doobie-luvin' Caterpillar.

I bet you'd say I had had an hallucination. One you wished you had had yourself, no doubt. Or that I was mad, taking 'shrooms and falling down rabbit holes like ol' Alice herself. And, for a while, I thought I had indeed dreamed it -- something made-up from the annals of childhood when we are all so imaginative and misled.

But I've found evidence.

I think this is pretty much how Lewis Carroll intended it. Apparently this is now on DVD. Apparently I have already been to Amazon to order it. Apparently it will arrive in 7-14 business days.

In other news, anyone signing up for Scriptapalooza this year? I'm debating.

i used to be with 'it,' but then they changed what 'it' was. now what I'm with isn't 'it,' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me

2006-12-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm approaching my 30s (shhh!), I've noticed how pop culture has started to recycle itself. I suppose this happens to every generation once they come of age and have some money. Advertisers play to our nostalgia.

Which is fine with me. Because this is the only chance I'm going to get to relish in mid-1980s pop culture again without ridicule. I'm sure that the day of scorn is coming soon. But until then... look! Transformers! The movie!

I watched The Transformers. They were not my favorite, but we were on good terms. GI Joe was one of my favorite cartoons (yes, I'm a girl). I watched it every day after school. I watched it mostly because of this cool drink of water:

Meet Flint. He was one of the soldiers in GI Joe. Look at that jaw line! He had a thing for Lady J, another soldier. I sometimes hated her, but I was nine years old. Duke was the leader of the Joes:

He was kinda douche-y, so I ignored him when he came on screen. The villains on GI Joe all had foreign accents and were foiled easily. The '80s were not subtle, or even very smart. Perfect for kids! Here are the villains (the Baroness, Cobra Commander, and Destro):

Why are all the women in these cartoons so stacked? Man.

Another favorite after-school show was Thundercats. Man! Just look at their symbol:

You know you're in for something good when you see a thing of beauty like that! Lion-O was the main Thundercat, and he would always scream out "Ho!" before action. So appropriate.

He was OK, I guess. Nice hair. I wanted to be Cheetara.

She was pretty smokin'. She's not even wearing pants! Here's the whole gang (Lion-O, Cheetara, Jaga, and Panthro):

It's amazing - I don't remember plot lines from any of these cartoons. Just imagery and feeling. I also don't remember algebra anymore, so.

Gummi Bears on the Disney Channel was another show I watched, but no one I know seems to remember it. I can even recite the theme song word-for-word. Here's what they looked like:

Bouncy, huh? These were not bears you ate. Not because they weren't made of sugar and water and gelatin and preservatives, but because you cared about them.

Does anyone remember Bell and Sebastian? Not the band, you hipsters. This was a cartoon on Nickelodeon about a boy travelling across Spain (with his dog) to find his mother. It was a touching, beautiful cartoon. Why did the mother leave her son? I don't know - maybe he deserved it. You know how much children can suck sometimes. Here's the little weasel, posing:

Today's Special on Nickelodeon was another favorite of mine. This was the cast:

That guy - there on the right? He was a mannequin come to life. Again, it was the '80s, and people's expectations were low.

And, finally, to my point. No, there's no point. To the end of my rambling. He-Man. Remember him? Glistening muscles, pageboy haircut, lived with a tiger? He has been reborn in the following video - reborn in the only way he can be for today's savvy consumer: queer and FABULOUS.

Enjoy.

UNICORNS

2006-11-28T21:50:00.000-05:00

My favorite Daily Show segment. Come back, Corddry! Please?

i don't know why i did it, i don't know why i enjoyed it, and i don't know why i'll do it again!

2006-11-21T16:16:00.000-05:00

This is the stuff of which life is made. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. the lesson is, never try.

2006-11-16T16:45:00.000-05:00

Refreshing honesty, from Despair.com:

Now you know what to get me for Christmas - a 2007 calendar of hopelessness.

but then you would be ignoring all the Simpson DNA evidence

2006-11-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

O.J. Simpson to write book, "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened."

Gee, it's really nice of O.J. to set aside his innocence and do a little murderer role-playing for our benefit. That's big of him.

there is no emoticon for what i'm feeling

2006-11-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

In all seriousness:

HOORAY.

Today is a very, very good day.

this one explains itself

2006-11-06T15:53:00.000-05:00

vis a vis the visa

2006-10-30T20:41:00.000-05:00

Can't. Stop. Spending. Money.

On stupid stuff, too, such as:

sunglasses (second pair from Filene's. it was Oscar de la Renta for under $10. what?)
trouser socks (one can never have to many... stop. SEE? that's exactly the thinking that's getting me into trouble.)
Diet Coke (though my addiction has been beaten and subdued. go me.)
high-end gift cards (I can't do the $.99 ones)
clothes, clothes, CLOTHES - shirts, pants, you name it
expensive shampoo ($30 at Aveda)
DVDs
movies (Borat, you're next)
postage
food (gal's gotta live. shame.)
utensil bucket
CVS (pretty much anything in the store is game)
random donations to members of the Democratic party (don't drop the ball this time, guys)
a rug
two books and one double CD from Amazon
porn (kidding - just seeing if you're still with me)
underwear and a sports bra
earrings (needed a pair of hoops. another pair, I mean.)
giant hand soap refill from Target

Now you know.

What are your frivolous indulgences?

marge, the doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!

2006-10-27T10:42:00.000-04:00

So, with Halloween being next Tuesday, I figured I'd better turn my attention to costumes. This is a struggle for me every year, because 1.) I have no money for costumes, 2.) I no longer go trick-or-treating, 3.) I live on the third floor of a condo in which we never get trick-or-treaters, 4.) I eat all the candy myself, and 5.) I'm afraid of corn fields and scarecrows.

So, basically, I dream about dressing up. Help feed my delusions and tell me what you think about the following costumes (courtesy of Zoogster):

This one is called "touch sh*t." I call it "hilarious."

This is funny because I'm a girl.

It's an ill-fitting ghost! OOoOOOO. Creepy. No, just kidding. It's sperm. With modified jazz hands.

I've often stuck pins in a voodoo dolls that resemble... bags of sand. Because sand pisses me off.

Too insensitive to shark bite victims? This actually feels quite hopeful - hey, he left your face intact.

I thought this was the scariest. I'm told this is not a costume, though, but a real person. So shame on me.

now you're thinking: that better be shepherd's pie in my pants

2006-10-25T14:49:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of Plan 59's Demonic Tots gallery, I bring you the children of Satan - er, advertising. I'd like to comment on the photos I find most disturbing, because commenting is clearly the only talent I have.

And now:

She's so excited to finally have someone's mashed kidney on her white bread.

I suspect he knows what happens when one eats beans, and he plans on sharing that joy with his kid sister.

My god! After years of ham, peas, and slick, gelatinous yams, I've finally gone blind!

What? You don't eat the intestines of your enemies with breadsticks, too? Or while wearing a clip-on?

Personally, I see nothing wrong with this photo. I just wanted you to know that I eat chocolate cake that way, too. All food, actually. No better utensil than your hand! And sometimes your elbow.

OK - I get that you can grill meat in your fireplace. I also get that their flooring is the same as the floors in my old elementary school. I also understand that their mother appears to be having an argument with the fridge. But the kid playing the accordian? Just another day in the nuthouse, I guess.

Nothing phallic to marvel at here! Move along!

I found this one the most disturbing. First, I don't know what it's advertising, but I have a strange craving for chewing gum when looking at it. And second, I think this is a scary glimpse into the future of America, where people wear ill-fitting clothes in primary colors, and where children carry firearms and scowl as a means of communication.

And now, some food photos:

I like to call this "Dr. Kevorkian's Hot Dog Express to Hell."

Seriously? I think my cat vomited this yesterday.

So eff all you vegetarian mofos.

i've had it with this school, skinner. low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

2006-10-23T13:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Mother Superior

Dear Mother Superior,
Every time I watch a Harry Potter movie or read one of the books, I want to go work in a boarding school and teach magical British children. This feeling stays with me for days, and it's hard to shake. I think of how wonderful it would be to live in a castle, conjure spells, wear a flowing robe, and mold the lives of young, impressionable wizards and witches. Obviously, real boarding schools are probably not as fun; I don't think you can have a relationship, etc., you have to live there, and I don't think the pay is good. So, I basically want to live in the books and/or movies. This HP obsession is really quite embarrassing, as I like my life otherwise. Suggestions?

Dear Voldemort,
Join the line. Since the days of Gutenberg, people have been escaping into books. Well, maybe not Gutenberg. Since the dinosaur days of the Bronte sisters, Dickens, and Danielle Steele, though, for sure. There's a whole series of books by Jasper Fforde about people who go in and out of books, meet the characters, etc. J.K. Rowling is a billionaire, thanks to suckers like us. I recommend watching some reality television; that ought to cure you of wanting to live the lives of others. Also, you could move to England and become a teacher. But I hear the British education system is cruel - they make children eat their meat before they can have any pudding.

first, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. no, sir. our model is the trapezoid!

2006-10-19T13:19:00.000-04:00

Oh! So this explains why I'm so uber-successful, yet can't count my change at the store.

Happy, confident students do worse in math
By BEN FELLER, AP Education Writer Wed Oct 18, 3:38 AM ET
WASHINGTON - Kids who are turned off by math often say they don't enjoy it, they aren't good at it and they see little point in it. Who knew that could be a formula for success?

The nations with the best scores have the least happy, least confident math students, says a study by the Brookings Institution's Brown Center on Education Policy.

Countries reporting higher levels of enjoyment and confidence among math students don't do as well in the subject, the study suggests. The results for the United States hover around the middle of the pack, both in terms of enjoyment and in test scores.

In essence, happiness is overrated, says study author Tom Loveless. "We might want to focus on the math that kids are learning and just be a little less obsessed with the fact that they have to enjoy every minute of it," said Loveless, who directs the Brown center and serves on a presidential advisory panel on math.
"The implication is not 'Let's go make kids unhappy,'" he said. "It's 'Let's give kids better signals as to how they're performing, relative to the rest of the world.'"

Other countries do better than the United States because they seem to expect more from students, he said. That could also explain why high performers in other nations express less confidence and enjoyment in math. They consider their peer group to be star achievers.

Even efforts to make math relevant may be irrelevant, says the study, released Wednesday. Nations that try to teach math in terms of daily life have the lowest test scores.

All this is not easy to compute. Math teachers typically don't avoid enjoyment, confidence and relevance in their math lessons. They strive for those things.

Speaking on behalf of those teachers, one educator took exception to the study's conclusions.

"If I'm a math student and I don't perceive myself as confident, you think I'm going to major in it? The answer is no," said Francis "Skip" Fennell, president of the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics and another member of the federal math panel.

"Is enjoyment important? You bet it is. Is confidence important? You bet it is," Fennell said. "If we don't have those variables, we can't compete."

Yet Loveless says pleasing kids has comes at the expense of mastering skills. His findings come from the 2003 Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study, a test of fourth-graders and eighth-graders across the globe. Along with answering math questions, students were asked whether they enjoyed math and whether they usually did well in it.

The eighth-grade results reflected a common pattern: The 10 nations whose students enjoyed math the most all scored below average. The bottom 10 nations on the enjoyment scale all excelled.
Japan, Hong Kong and the Netherlands were among those with high scores and lower enjoyment or confidence among students.
Within a given nation, the high-confidence kids did better than their peers. But that changed when students were compared with a different peer group. Even the least confident students in Singapore outscored the most confident Americans.

Loveless is not suggesting it makes sense to undermine kids' confidence or make math revolting. But he says the U.S. should rethink "the happiness factor," as he puts it.

Math textbooks in the United States, for example, tend to have colorful photos, charts and stories to please kids, he noted. In other nations, the texts strictly have math. Fennell said engaging, relevant lessons are important. But he agreed with Loveless that every lesson should be about teaching math, not simply providing a fun class activity.

So let this be a lesson to you kids out there: be happy, do poorly in math (keep looking at those shiny, brain-destroying textbooks photos - do it!), become rich off of your book, The Pythagorean Theorem Is My Beyotch, and have your unhappy accountant do the rest.

lubchenko learn nothing, nothing!

2006-10-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

I have never even seen this show on television because we only get basic cable, but I now have a crush on Borat and it's clear to me that I will need to see this movie. So much for trying to remain above the influence.

for once, dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas

2006-10-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

My humor runs the gamut from very sophisticated to the lowest of lowbrow. It's no secret I think farting is hilarious.

The following farting preacher video is, in my humble opinion, the creme de la creme of fart jokes. Enjoy!

my one weakness. my achilles' heel, if you will

2006-10-10T11:20:00.000-04:00

So, I'm thinking of giving up Diet Coke. Aside from the fake sugar and suspicious caramel coloring, I think I want to lay off the caffeine. I've done this before, with many headaches and weeping and gnashing of teeth. Here are the questions I have asked myself:

How much money will I save by not buying DC every week?
Will another addiction slip in and take its place - like, say, crack or cheese balls?
What sort of social faux pas will I commit while tired and droopy (aka, without caffeine)?
Will I really be healthier? Really?
What happens to my identity once I am no longer known as "the girl who drinks Diet Coke"?

I haven't been able to answer any of these except the first one - $3.33 a week.

Advice appreciated. What did you do to overcome your vice?

Clin-TON

2006-10-09T21:42:00.000-04:00

From Yahoo:

Mon Oct 9
NEW YORK - Those people wearing "Stewart/Colbert '08" T-shirts can stop hoping — Comedy Central's fake news stars have no intention of making a run for the White House.

Jon Stewart said the T-shirts promoting him and Stephen Colbert are a real sign of how sad people are" with the state of affairs in the country.

"Nothing says 'I am ashamed of you my government' more than 'Stewart/Colbert '08," Stewart told an audience Sunday at the New Yorker Festival. He was interviewed by the magazine's editor, David Remnick.

Stewart, who recently hosted Pakistan's president, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, on "The Daily Show," said he's been trying to get top Bush administration officials to appear.

"We have requests in there to everyone including Barney," Stewart said. "Only Barney replies." Barney is the president's Scottish terrier.

Stewart scoffed at suggestions that some people actually get their news from "The Daily Show."

"There's no way you could get the news from us," he said. "I've seen the show. It couldn't happen."

I say: POO.

Poo, I say!

I think I'd even vote for Rob Corddry at this point.

glove slap, baby, glove slap

2006-10-09T13:56:00.000-04:00

And now, it's time for....

Dear Mother Superior

Dear Mother Superior,
I've recently quit my job and gone freelance. I hated my job for many, many years. That hatred and bitterness consumed me. I'm loving my new independent lifestyle, but I find that after so many years of working toward this goal, and so many years of negativity and vengeful thoughts, I feel rather empty inside, and I don't know what to do next. It's like I forget who I was before I hated my job. Can you help?

Dear Domingo Montoya,
No, I can't help you fill the emptiness inside. Only alcohol will help with that. However, I can recommend that you appoint yourself the Master Avenger of any wrongdoing. Someone steal an old lady's purse? Hunt him down and pluck out his eyeballs. The cashier accidentally give you back a one instead of a ten? Slap her with your dueling glove. Catch someone throwing a cigarette butt on the ground? Burn his pinky off. Find a six-fingered man? Go after him with your homemade shiv. Do this any time there's an imbalance in the world, and you'll be back to yourself in no time. You're welcome.

hello chief - let's talk, why not

2006-10-09T01:22:00.000-04:00

Why, hello.

Welcome to the home of sarcasm! Well, sarcasm sublets here. OK, OK - sarcasm spends the night every once in a while, then goes home to his wife.

More from me later.